Have you ever had one of those days where it seemed that your life was a movie?  As if you were displaced from yourself?  That is how I have felt today.

I have felt numb to the world for the past few weeks.  I feel as though I've been a spectator watching things zoom past me.  In the past two months, my world has changed immensely.  I have moved back home with my parents, gotten a new job, and watched as my mother's health has deteriorated.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just walking to get through the day.  And I want God to throw neon signs at me to let me know that I'm where I'm supposed to be.  Then I realized that in our most quiet times He is present most.  I was presented with two questions, "Are you putting Jesus first?  Do you trust in the reality of His presence?" Yes.  Then you will walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31).

I was reminded today of a conversation centered around a kitchen table and an interesting cup of tea.  We discussed our dreams and ambitions for the upcoming year.  One of mine was to get a new job.  God provided.  I also wanted to become closer to my mother.  God began the process of bringing me back home.  Sometimes we lose sight of the big picture and today I'm so thankful that I can look back and see that He has been working.  It's been a long process, but He's been there before me.  Even though I feel like I've been beaten up, I'm still walking.  And to be totally honest, I'm tired.  I'm tired and broken.  Once again I'm faced with the fact that I'm not my own.  Oswald Chambers said, "Must of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so-called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed.  But God will not.  He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says - 'Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.' If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." mmm...yes. 

If I seem distant, it's because I'm going through a learning process right now, not because I don't love you.  If I leave someplace early, it's because I need to process, not because I don't want to hang out with you.  Please don't give up on me, It's still nice to feel wanted.

I'm not going to apologize for the long post.  I like to keep the serious posts to a minimum here at Resplendent Fancy™, but today, my wit was vetoed by my heart.  I feel that conversations are much better in the flesh.  If you want to get deep inside my head, don't hesitate to ask, "let's go get coffee," or "let's go hiking," or "let's go take pictures."  Speaking of pictures...here's one from not too long ago. 
 



Why does hello make everything look blurry?  Grr...

Thursday, July 22, 2004 | 10:20 PM | LINK |