I'm an introvert. I have problems opening up to people. My first instinct and desire when I come home in the evenings is to go into my room with my journal, listen to Sigur Ros and spend time in prayer and reflection of the day. This isn't bad, but it isn't always good. I don't invest myself in people like I should. God has given me the gifts of mercy, encouragement, and discernment. I'm good at giving these to people... I can listen to other people share, but I in return don't share back. I think on some level I'm afraid of letting myself out in the open...of not being really liked...so I keep it all to myself and only give fragments away at a time. Nick says that he thinks people like me are selfish...keeping a great mind locked away in a notebook. I don't know about a great mind, but here goes...

Nick, this one's for you...my journal entry for today.


June 3, 2004 4:56pm

Chase got sick today. My heart hurt so much for him. He's probably not been feeling well all week, but had no way to tell us. All he wanted me to do today was hold him. He would stand in front of me and sign "up". He would grab my face and look at me in the eyes...I want to be able to talk to him. I want to know what this little mind is thinking. He can't say, "Lanna, I don't feel good. Please call my mom." or "Lanna, I'm glad to see you." It breaks my heart. And yet, God uses him so much in my life.

I've been crying a lot lately. For no apparent reason. I am very much a woman. Today, I just cried and cried and prayed. I didn't know what to pray for or how to pray. And He showed me the image of Chase asking to be picked up and to be held. And it occured to me that I don't have to know what to say or what to pray for...all I have to do is ask to be held. Even though I couldn't hear Chase speak I could see and feel in my heart what He was feeling. How much more must my Father feel me. Matthew 6:8 says "for your Father knows what you need before you ask him" No verbal communication is needed when a heart is shared.

Friday, June 04, 2004 | 12:35 AM | LINK |